A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes

"The only thing worse than being single: Wishing that you were"

I first saw this quote a couple of years ago, written on the bathroom wall at the Red Onion Saloon in Skagway, AK. It has stuck with me since, and every time I pee at the R.O., I look for this quote on the wall. It is now nearly covered by newer graffiti, but if I look hard enough, I can still find it.

I used to get bothered when I saw it, because it struck a chord from within. I felt guilty, because I wasn't supposed to relate to a quote like this- I was happily married, right? It wasn't like I was lusting after anyone else. So why did it always make me sad, as if it was speaking directly to me, as if it was my very own thought written out on that wall?

Nowadays, when I see this quote, it nearly brings me tears. In fact, I might be crying right now as I write. Blubbering even. Because now that I am single, I look back and realize how unhappy I was. How lost and trapped I felt.

Please don't get me wrong- the man I was married to is an amazing person. I don't want anyone to ever suspect that he mistreated me or that I blame him for anything that happened.

That's just the point: It was I, who, in the crusade for loyalty and unconditional love, allowed myself to fall into a web of unhappiness. I was too afraid to be myself. Too afraid to say what I really wanted, or how I really felt, for fear that in being myself I would find myself alone. I didn't want to be divorced. I felt I owed everything to my marriage, and I would never allow my pursuit of happiness to be the cause of failure in our relationship. I told myself that it was better to be unhappy and stay true to my commitment, rather than ruin it and be happy.

All that time, I often resented my husband because I felt that he wasn't living up to his commitment. We promised forever to each other. How could he get married to someone but tell me from 6 months in that he didn't want to be married? Doesn't he have a duty to his marriage? These things I thought. But now, looking back, I'm glad, grateful even, that he had the courage to say what I didn't. I'm glad that he was willing to face reality when I wouldn't. I didn't want to believe him when he told me that we were fooling ourselves. But I'm grateful now that he started the ball rolling and made me confront that possibility.

It eventually took a lot for me to realize how badly I was treating myself by staying in a destructive relationship. This is going to sound lame, but I was inspired by a character on Teen Mom, who kept going back to this a-hole boyfriend. I remember watching this show, and the light bulb turning on that I was just as sorry and pathetic as that girl. In the book The Four Agreements, we learn that no one can abuse us more than we abuse ourselves. The day that someone tries to abuse me more than I abuse myself is the day I say "I won't take it anymore". And it was that day that I realized that no one was being more disrespectful to me than I was.

Truthfully, I have had a hard time coping with my divorce. The problem is, I can't cope, so I just don't. I haven't allowed myself to grieve. And it has made it all the harder. I think today is the first day that I have actually, truly wept since it ended.

I would never go back. But it still hurts. And when I think of or see that quote, it hurts more. Because it reminds me of all the years I spent being unhappy and doing nothing about it.

I have learned so many things from this experience. Too many things, even things that I don't even know yet that I've learned. I've learned that divorce is ok. I am ok. I will be ok. Sure, I'm lucky that mine was "easy". But it's all ok. I've also learned that marriage is just a formality; no piece of paper is worth your happiness. If you are single and wishing you were in a relationship: enjoy those moments of single hood. Relationships will come in due time. If you're in a relationship and wishing you were single: you owe it to your partner, but ESPECIALLY you owe it to yourself to take some sort of action. Make it right.

I have been reminding myself every day that "it gets better". At least that's what they say. I am still hoping that that time will come when that really is true for me. For now, I guess I just have to bide my time- because after all, it is time that heals all wounds, right?