This is the thanks you wanted

I'm not a huge "new year" person; I roll my eyes every time the new year arrives and I see people's sentimental reviews of the passing year. But with that said, 2013 has had an eventful start for me! I was just offered a kick ass job in my industry, and it is a real life, adult job! Just to think, I was working a part time retail job a couple months ago, and now I'm going to be managing and directing a rather intensive program. Part of me thinks I am lucky that I was in the right place at the right time for this position to fall into my lap.

And the other part knows things could have been so different so easily.

In my last post, I bemoaned the fact that I had been "let go" from a one year relationship. It was really hard to get over him and move on. But as soon as he was out of my life, something really strange happened- I started focusing on me and what I wanted out of life. Such a novel concept! 

Shortly after being dumped, I got a fun, well-paying job with opportunity for advancements. I've thus far loved this job and the company, and while I did look forward to eventual possible promotions, I did not expect a leap of this size to come so quickly!! And I think about the fact that, if he had not broken up with me, I know I would not have pursued such avenues. When I was with him, I was particular about the type of work I sought, because his hang out schedule was limited to weekends and I didn't want to miss out on seeing him- yes, I worked my life around his schedule. I didn't know what type of work I wanted, because he anticipated he would be moving to a different state, and I hoped to follow him. All this and more I did for him. But what was I doing for me? 

When he broke up with me, he said I would thank him someday. "Maybe it won't be for a while, but you will thank me", he had said. For what?, I thought. The idea that I feel like my heart is ripped out of my chest? That someone I trusted just up and left? That you did the same exact thing that my ex husband did? 

But now I see that that pain was only temporary and I am hot shit, and here is the thanks he wanted: Thank you, tool bag! 

I learned a great lesson, and that is: to thine own self be true. Because you never know what great things might happen. 

Grief is the price we pay for love

If today isn't the day for this topic, I don't know when would be (though coincidentally I have been meaning to write it for a few days now). Today, we have learned about the tragic shooting in Newtown, CT. It's so sad that we are dealing with this yet again- seems like it it happening on a routine basis! And of course, the loss of so many innocent children is what makes this one especially excruciating.

Not too long ago, my boyfriend of over a year, dumped me. Silly me, I thought this guy really liked me! It came completely out of left field, and while I should have remembered that love is blind, I just really did not expect this to happen with this guy. So, of course I have been moping around, feeling sorry for myself, and thinking I could never love again.

A week of this goes by.

And I then I read a blog. About a woman, who suffers anxiety and insomnia after the death of her toddler. Her toddler fell into a operating washing machine when she wasn't looking. She had to live through the horror of finding him, lifeless.

Then, I listen to a sex & relationship advice podcast. The caller is an audibly distraught female. As I listen to the pain in her voice, I feel bad, and figure she must have been dumped like me. She then proceeds to explain that she was engaged 2 weeks ago. One week ago, her fiancé died. She does not know how to live.

We always hear these type of gratitude anecdotes, but this time, I really must be mindful that things are not so bad for me.

So lately, I have been kind of blown away by the age-old social plague known as "women's body issues". Now, I abandoned fashion magazines some time ago, because I was kind of sick of creepy old white-haired men and quaif-like old ladies telling me what was "fashionable" (seriously, have you ever seen the people who "decide" what the trends are?). I have also somewhat strayed from an attempt to be skinny, rather focusing on being "healthy"- coincidentally, my clothing size has gone UP! All in a good way, of course.

I digress...

The other day, I was at the mall, and happened across a hoard of Utah county wives. If you know the type, you know what I'm talking about. For those unfamiliar, let's just say they are, generally speaking, Stepford Wives. Perfect hair, clothes, high heels - I have often marveled at how long it must take them to get ready in the morning! Anyways, these 5 or so ladies came in, fully prepared with the husband's credit card to do some serious shopping. At one point, as they were showing off outfits to each other in the dressing room, one of them says "Now, tell me where in the world you're planning to get lipo? You're so skinny!" the other, grabbing a smidgen of skin "here, where my bulge is!".

Words. cannot. express.

I think in the past, I might have laughed, but in this moment, I was truthfully just sad! Sad, that this beautiful woman with everything she has done, felt the need to get lipo! And her friend was right, there was nowhere to get lipo from! I can't say what her main motivations are; I notice that these "Utah County" wives as they are known are often striving to be perfect for their husbands- and frankly, I'm not sure if the husbands share the sentiment, but all I can say is, if you have popped out any number of children, how can any rational person expect you to still look 20? If they do, they need to go- or get a lesson in the indelible trauma of child birth on a woman! And, all the men I know, they prefer a woman with a little "cushion for the pushin'"- at least enough so that it's not all clackity clackity bones on bones, right?!

Anyways, I guess I'm just dreaming of a day in which we can all just love it as it is. And also, the haute couture fashion industry is a joke! But that's a post for another day...

Getting Rid of the Baggage

I might have mentioned that I don't hold any resentment towards my ex; In fact, after the initial anger and shock, I consider myself quite lucky, as we have a healthy and friendly relationship. This is mostly convenient due to our close proximity of working together and living next door to each other (I know it sounds super weird, but really isn't bad!). I haven't had the slightest interest in getting back together with him, and we are able to be fairly open with each other without any bitterness.

Sadly though, I learned today that a girl he is dating is quite threatened by our friendship. I understand the concern, considering that I am cool and well, kinda cute. :) He confided in me today that she has repeatedly voiced her dislike of our friendship, and even went as far as to tell him he just needs to get rid of that "baggage"- that "baggage" being me.

As I mentioned, I cannot blame her for finding our relationship weird, and not wanting to deal with the reality that we are friends. Anyone dating a divorcee would agree. What I found the most awesome is that I am being referred to as "baggage"! That's a new one!

At any rate, through the experience of my recent break up, I have learned a lot about what I want and who I want to be. I have definitely become more of a "take it or leave it" type, unapologetic for who I am. I am no longer afraid of being rejected by guys, probably because I have already had to confront that exact fear, and I came out of it alive. I feel a lot more confident in relationships, and am probably the one playing hard to get more than the guys I date. And I have never been happier in the dating world because of it! I just wish that other people could feel the same way, that they could be confident and fearless in love. It's just sad because Ex has a bad habit of attracting (and being attracted to) needy women- because he likes to feel needed. But when they get needy, he doesn't like it! Ah, the irony.

Most Disturbing Scene in True Blood?

True Blood is known for pushing the envelope in every way. Many times, I consider its content to surpass that of an rated R movie. I like that they can create some of the most disturbing situations, but I think one of the most disturbing scenes occurred on tonight's episode, with the death of Tommy Mickens.

Why did this death seem so disturbing to me? After all, it's not the first death in the show, let alone the first on the big (or little) screen. We frequently see people die in movies and TV. Even more, the scene was hardly believable; I'm no medical professional, but it's hard to believe that someone who has the shit beaten out of them (to the extent of death) is not only coherent nonetheless conscious. And let's not forget Sam Merlotte's attempt to comfort his dying brother with cliche visions from story books of what death will be like.

I guess, at first, I didn't think it was possible that Tommy was going to die; I thought surely he would pull out of this just like he has pulled out of many a close call. Even when Alcide says that he has a right to choose his "time", I thought it couldn't be so. But, at a certain point, it seemed inevitable that this really was Tommy's time to die.

Perhaps it is I, and my own struggle with the concept of death that disturbed me. Death happens every day to thousands of people. We consider it as such a trivial thing; When you hear on the news that a handful of people died in a freak accident, it's sad, but mostly a headline. There's no emotional attachment; simply a fact of life. However, for the individual, and those around them, this is perhaps one of the most important moments of one's life: the end of it.

To see someone die is kind of a big deal. The sad thing about Tommy Mickens, is that he was sort of unrecorded. He lived under the radar; no address, no family, no one except an estranged brother, to notice if he was gone. Sam could so easily toss Tommy's deceased body in a shallow grave and no one would have missed him.

It begs the question, how many people do disappear or die and no one ever notices? How many people experience the most important moments of their lives only for no one to never even notice that they are gone, let alone that they ever existed?

The idea of immortality is the basis for almost every religion- the idea that we continue forever is something we all want to cling to. For me, immortality is not so much a tangible, physical idea; Rather, it is what we do in our lives to influence the generations to come that really demonstrates us living forever. So, to see someone like Tommy Mickens, who no one will ever remember, is tragic. And in some senses, disturbing.

Fortunately, Tommy did end up, in some small way, influencing other peoples' lives. He didn't have a building named after him, didn't have kids to carry on his genes, etc. But no doubt there were people that felt his impact, whether good or bad, in their lives. So, I suppose even those who disappear into thin air will have some impact, somehow.

I hope people notice I die. I hope they care, and I hope that my loved ones participate in my passing, understanding that this will be one of my most important moments. I don't care if they mourn, if they bury me in some special casket with some special headstone. I just hope they know how important that moment is to me when it comes.

A Dream is a Wish your Heart Makes

"The only thing worse than being single: Wishing that you were"

I first saw this quote a couple of years ago, written on the bathroom wall at the Red Onion Saloon in Skagway, AK. It has stuck with me since, and every time I pee at the R.O., I look for this quote on the wall. It is now nearly covered by newer graffiti, but if I look hard enough, I can still find it.

I used to get bothered when I saw it, because it struck a chord from within. I felt guilty, because I wasn't supposed to relate to a quote like this- I was happily married, right? It wasn't like I was lusting after anyone else. So why did it always make me sad, as if it was speaking directly to me, as if it was my very own thought written out on that wall?

Nowadays, when I see this quote, it nearly brings me tears. In fact, I might be crying right now as I write. Blubbering even. Because now that I am single, I look back and realize how unhappy I was. How lost and trapped I felt.

Please don't get me wrong- the man I was married to is an amazing person. I don't want anyone to ever suspect that he mistreated me or that I blame him for anything that happened.

That's just the point: It was I, who, in the crusade for loyalty and unconditional love, allowed myself to fall into a web of unhappiness. I was too afraid to be myself. Too afraid to say what I really wanted, or how I really felt, for fear that in being myself I would find myself alone. I didn't want to be divorced. I felt I owed everything to my marriage, and I would never allow my pursuit of happiness to be the cause of failure in our relationship. I told myself that it was better to be unhappy and stay true to my commitment, rather than ruin it and be happy.

All that time, I often resented my husband because I felt that he wasn't living up to his commitment. We promised forever to each other. How could he get married to someone but tell me from 6 months in that he didn't want to be married? Doesn't he have a duty to his marriage? These things I thought. But now, looking back, I'm glad, grateful even, that he had the courage to say what I didn't. I'm glad that he was willing to face reality when I wouldn't. I didn't want to believe him when he told me that we were fooling ourselves. But I'm grateful now that he started the ball rolling and made me confront that possibility.

It eventually took a lot for me to realize how badly I was treating myself by staying in a destructive relationship. This is going to sound lame, but I was inspired by a character on Teen Mom, who kept going back to this a-hole boyfriend. I remember watching this show, and the light bulb turning on that I was just as sorry and pathetic as that girl. In the book The Four Agreements, we learn that no one can abuse us more than we abuse ourselves. The day that someone tries to abuse me more than I abuse myself is the day I say "I won't take it anymore". And it was that day that I realized that no one was being more disrespectful to me than I was.

Truthfully, I have had a hard time coping with my divorce. The problem is, I can't cope, so I just don't. I haven't allowed myself to grieve. And it has made it all the harder. I think today is the first day that I have actually, truly wept since it ended.

I would never go back. But it still hurts. And when I think of or see that quote, it hurts more. Because it reminds me of all the years I spent being unhappy and doing nothing about it.

I have learned so many things from this experience. Too many things, even things that I don't even know yet that I've learned. I've learned that divorce is ok. I am ok. I will be ok. Sure, I'm lucky that mine was "easy". But it's all ok. I've also learned that marriage is just a formality; no piece of paper is worth your happiness. If you are single and wishing you were in a relationship: enjoy those moments of single hood. Relationships will come in due time. If you're in a relationship and wishing you were single: you owe it to your partner, but ESPECIALLY you owe it to yourself to take some sort of action. Make it right.

I have been reminding myself every day that "it gets better". At least that's what they say. I am still hoping that that time will come when that really is true for me. For now, I guess I just have to bide my time- because after all, it is time that heals all wounds, right?

Just one of those petty dilemmas

My sister Clarissa gave me a pair of UGGs today. They are cute purple ones with a button on the side. I am thrilled at the receipt of these barely used boots. It got me thinking about how UGGs, which once appeared to be a trend, have really managed to stick around. I remember all the way back to 2002 when my older sister Benny got her first pair. I remember thinking they were quite hideous. I also remember eventually succumbing to them myself, and how I own quite a few pairs these days.

However, the issues I have with them:

1) Contrary to popular belief, UGGs really aren't that warm. Yes they are fuzzy and plushy little things, but they are fickle when it comes to rain and extreme cold. I just purchased some Sorel boots, and from now on, UGGs will be little more than glorified house slippers for me.

2) I haven't met a man yet that thinks UGGs are cute. In fact, I imagine every time a man sees a girl wearing UGGs he is thinking "ya might as well put your period pants on while you're at it".

3) They're expensive! I purchased some Sorel boots the other day, which are not only cute (even described as "hot" by a couple men I know), but they're also designed as all-weather shoes, meaning I can face the elements and slosh through as many puddles as I want without concern. My Sorel boots cost me $110. The starting price for UGGs is $120, with an average pair at about $160. Seriously? For slippers...

But the real dilemma, my friends, is that I like UGGs! They're cute (why do us women think they're cute?) and they're comfy! They look great with a pair of skinny jeans. They just suck at everything else.

Well, I guess as long as I have a sister who gives me her hardly-worn hand-me-downs, I will be rocking UGGs for a while yet!! :)